The early hours of the morning are probably the most emotionally charged of the day. I guess this morning I am a little more negatively charged than normal. For the last few weeks I have noticed a downward spiral in my demeanour, less enthusiasm and a general reduction in the joie de vie. In the first instance I have to ask myself why I have raised myself from the marital bed to come to my computer and pour out some masculine emotion. The first reason is that, quite simply, no-one reads this stuff and, in the second case, it may serve as some sort of emotional epitaph.

I know that I am going to die and it is an event that will happen within a few years. The effects of both my sisters dying at a young age and the fact that neither of them made it to 47 years of age does not bode well. OK they were diagnosed with ovarian cancer and this is unlikely to have a direct causal effect on my own eventual demise but my focus on life and what it means has been slowly slipping from my persona for many years now. This has, of course, been masked by the positive influences of having children and being able to share in their lives the beauty of knowledge and life. Without the blessing of Sam & Harry I feel that I would have sunk into a well of despair long ago. And the path to that well is moving in a free and downward direction. The pace is picking up and there appear to be no obstacles in the way because, of course, I can see the day when my children no longer need my support and my life will be left with a void of unimaginable size and depth.

My own life has been blighted by the desire for life, freedom and individuality that has, with the onset of profound grief, led to a self-destructive world. I have become fat and indolent; the drive for success and thirst for knowledge has just ebbed away. I can recognise the symptoms of depression and I just do not know what to do about it. Life in the civilised world is still about survival. We don't seek water and food but we seek emotional buoyancy. And I think that there are far too many people out there who need some sort of emotional support and they do not know where to look. But is this a real need, a real symptom of something deeper or just melancholy and self-pity? I don't know but, whatever it is, I feel a very real pain. I feel lonely and hopeless, like a ship without a rudder.